What to Do If the Lifestyle Is Not Working for Your Relationship

Signs the Lifestyle May Not Be Working

The lifestyle is not right for every couple, and recognising the signs that it is not working is important. Common signs include: consistent conflict or resentment after lifestyle events, one partner consistently feeling pressured or unhappy, significant erosion of trust or intimacy in the primary relationship, jealousy that is consistently overwhelming rather than manageable, or a sense that the lifestyle is damaging rather than enhancing your relationship.

What to Do First

Before concluding that the lifestyle is not working, have an honest conversation with your partner about what specifically is not working. Is it the frequency of activity? A specific type of encounter? A specific person or couple? The emotional demands of managing multiple connections?

Sometimes what feels like "the lifestyle is not working" is actually a specific aspect of how you are participating that can be adjusted.

Slowing Down

If the lifestyle is causing stress, slowing down is often more effective than stopping entirely. Reduce the frequency of events. Take a break from active searching. Focus on reconnecting with your partner. Give yourselves time to process recent experiences before adding new ones.

Stopping Entirely

If slowing down does not help, or if both partners agree that the lifestyle is not right for them, stopping entirely is a completely valid choice. There is no shame in deciding that the lifestyle is not for you. Many couples explore the lifestyle, decide it is not what they wanted, and return to monogamy with a stronger relationship for having tried honestly.

Seeking Support

If the lifestyle has caused significant damage to your relationship, a lifestyle-affirming therapist can help you work through the issues and rebuild trust and intimacy. Seeking support is a sign of strength, not failure.